Ready to Beat It...Super Mario 64

Stars: 75

I have discovered my most hated level in video game history: Big Snowman's Head. This dreaded piece of horse crap incites a fury in me usually only reserved for Donkey Kong Country.  It's not necessarily the level design that is flawed - under better conditions, this level could be fantastic. Rather, it exemplifies what is fundamentally wrong with Mario 64 - the slippery controls and the god-awful camera. Here's what this stupid mother effing level looks like:

And here is it's list of problems:

1) Ice. Mario already slides all over the place when running from a dead stop. Add ice into the mix and you might as well be holding the controller with rabid horses running in opposite directions chained to each of your thumbs.
2) Deadly water. You don't see it in this video, but if you fall into the water surrounding that stupid reverse conveyer belt of snow hills it will drain your energy very quickly. Combine this with the piss poor swimming controls and the swear jar can't handle the influx of new capital.
3) Tight corners. This becomes even worse for a star later in the level where you have to navigate an ice-maze and the camera gets stuck behind a wall the whole time, but even when scaling the snowman, you have to babysit the camera. It swings wildly depending on your angle, implementing no "intelligence" as to what you probably want to look at.
4) That Stupid EFFING SNOWMAN! I already hate this guy from the earlier level where you have to find his body and guide it down the mountain, now he blows you off possibly the most annoying thing in the world to navigate AND to add insult to injury, blows your hat off - making you not only climb the stupid thing all over again, but also running in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION to get your hat back.

Can I get a Hammer of Dawn on this bastard?

When I finally got the star, I felt no joy. I would be fully willing to sacrifice that star to be able to break it into tiny razor sharp piece and bury them in the snowman's eyes - spewing horrid red blood all over his stupid, snow white level.

Regardless, I now have 75 stars and can officially take on the final Bowser level. I would like to get all 120, but getting the 100 Coin star on this level may very well drive me to suicide.

Almost Halfway...Mario 64

Stars: 55

The more I play this game, the more I enjoy it. There was a moment last night while playing when I found myself completely captured by its magic. I was wrapped up in a warm ball of nostalgic gaming bliss, and believe it or not, it was in a water level.

With certain older games, I sometimes try to imagine myself playing them immediately after opening them on Christmas morning. The joy of discovering something so well designed and to know that it was yours and you had the entire rest of Christmas break to enjoy it. Putting myself in that mindset will often completely change my opinion on a game. And that's just what happened last night while playing the Dire Dire Docks level, and I think a lot of it had to do with this music:

Even if you've never played the game, the feeling that music produces is wholly unique. Looking over the comments on this video, it's obvious many people feel the same way:

TangerineGroovin

Wow. I remember I had a dream when I was about 10, after I had played this for the first time. That night I was swimming in a dream, and this music was there. I was a child, innocent.
Its very amazing how just hearing this has unlocked a piece of my childhood long forgotten and tucked away.

Being human is amazing, and so is this song and the feelings it produces.

MountainWolf100

ahh Mario 64 and Zelda OOT. Getting both on Christmas morning - such fond memoirs of these games. I miss games like this, they had a...magic to them.

Spot on, both of you.

Yes, the game is still frustrating at times with wonky camera angles and slippery controls (and that mother effing giant snowman level where he blows your hat off!) but there is an indescribable magic that I can now freely admit is absent from Mario Galaxy and other modern games. Maybe that's why this kid was so excited.

Still Playing: Super Mario 64

 

Stars: 31

There is an INSANE battle of internet wits over the greatness of Mario 64 over at neogaf.  The question is essentially - which is better: 64 or Galaxy? Now, Galaxy being my favorite game, my answer is obvious. But through this discussion, the commenters really boiled down the essence of each game. 

Mario 64 has a heavy focus on exploration and discovery, while Galaxy is linear but the controls are MUCH tighter. I think the one thing everyone can agree on is the dream of a new 64 style game with Galaxy's controls.

My experience in playing Mario 64 for the past two nights has been layered with wild exuberance and rampant frustration. I love the sense of figuring out the goals for yourself. Your rarely shown where the star is, or what you have to do to get it - you are only given a clue in the title of each level. I had a really hard time with the one where you had to find the snowman's body, but was elated when I finally did figure it out. It's that 'joy of discovery' that's missing from the Galaxy games.

THIS asshole.

But the controls are where I start grinding my teeth. They're much more "slippery" than Galaxy, and with bottomless pits surrounding every possible place you want to be, this leads to MANY cheap deaths and quarters in the swear jar. 

Swimming is another story altogether. I can't STAND swimming levels. You can't manipulate the camera AT ALL during these parts, your life drains as you stay underwater, and when you try to surface...hmmm....nah...not gonna let you do that now. Or this gigantic ship will get stuck in front of the camera and let you drown.

Eh...I'm-a just gonna dip-a my feet in - I just ate and all...plus I don't-a have my trunks...next-a time though. Next-a time.

THIS is why I never finished it. These little annoying nitpicks that just ruin the experience for me.

Mario 64 is a damn fine creation. DAMN fine. And for the first of it's kind, it's a technical marvel. This was the first game to actually have a camera, so the fact that it even KINDA works is amazing. It's just frustrating to play after 15 years of the industry fine tuning these things to absolute perfection.

Le sigh.

This one took me a while too. "Mario Wings to the Sky"? Don't you mean "Collect the middle coin of each coin circle in the sky"?

Up Next: Super Mario 64

Yup. The granddaddy of the 3D Platform genre and one of two launch titles for the N64, Super Mario 64 is a legit piece of gaming history.

As revolutionary as Pong, Space Invaders, or even the original Super Mario Bros., Mario 64 ushered in the era of 3D gaming, and introduced an entire market to controlling something with an analog thumbstick. Nowadays there's sticks all over controllers, but in 96 this thing blew minds and melted faces.

Behold.

Never actually owning an N64 during it's lifecycle, I purchased one years later and caught up on what I'd missed. Given that fact, it's strange how much nostalgia this game conjures up in me. Something about the graphics, music or simply the level design - or maybe just because its Mario, but there's something about it that makes me feel like a little kid alone in my room.

This is an important game in the journey for several reasons. Primarily its a successor to the game at the top of my pile of shame: Super Mario Bros. Secondly, it's a predecessor to my favorite game ever - Mario Galaxy. And Finally, it's such a critical piece of gaming history that to not have experienced it in it's entirety is a damn shame. I'm goin for a full 120 stars here too. I did it twice in Galaxy, what's stoppin me from doing it here?

BAM!

Why I Never Finished It: 
Like I said, I didn't have this at launch, or even during it's life cycle. I didn't play it until 2004, and I bought it along with a bunch of other discounted N64 games as I was just trying to experience everything I could with the system. So I never had a lot of time to dedicate to it.

I've started from the beginning maybe 5 or 6 times and have never gotten more then 40 stars or so. But now it's time to do it.

Bowser - I'm coming for ya, you disgusting, princess stealin bastard!

What's Next?

After struggling through the ridiculous difficulty of Ninja Gaiden, I am at a loss for what to play next.  So I toss it to you, fine friends. What should my next game be? Check my list and let me know in the comments. 

_

Review: Ninja Gaiden

Ask ten people what the hardest game they've ever played is. Chances are more than half of them will say Ninja Gaiden. This game was massively popular when I was a kid, and was a frequent Friday night rental. It was only as an adult that I could appreciate how challenging this game can be. At the same time, being older and wiser has allowed me to see how well this game was designed, all the way back in 1989.

STORY

Yeah. Girls aren't allowed to play Ninjas. 

Before Ninja Gaiden, games rarely had any focus on story. Maybe you got a hint of a backstory in the game's manual, but very few plot points were ever delivered in-game. Ninja Gaiden changed all that. Your primary motivation is to avenge the death of your father. But after beating each level, you're treated to one of these beautifully directed cutscenes which dished out twist after turn almost flawlessly. 

Not only did these story segments look incredible for the time, but the script was actually translated properly into English. It's not Shakespeare, but its certainly light years away from "All Your Base Are Belong to Us!" Not a single example of Engrish in the entire game. Very impressed.

The story is indeed one of the coolest things about Ninja Gaiden, it's unfortunate that it's buried in our memories under the relentless difficulty.

GAMEPLAY

F those eagles, man. F em. 

Ninja Gaiden shows incredible precision in game design. Everything you do feels immidiately responsive and reactive. Your sword is quick and deadly. Your jumps land exactly where you want them, and special moves and projectile weapons work with the basic mechanics to create a beautiful harmony of elegant gameplay. 

The difficulty curve is fairly sharp, however. After the first level of introducing the player to the basic mechanics of the game, you are then subjected to the two biggest flaws in this game's design: 

1) Respawning enemies

2) Bottomless pit deaths

These two flaws work in tandem to ruin your entire life. Let me explain. 

Every enemy in this game has a spawn point - a specific location where it will appear. If you kill that enemy, move away and then come back to that same point, it will reappear - over and over again to infinity. This is particularly infuriating when you are near a bottomless pit, think you've killed something, take a step back to get up to jumping speed and are killed by by bumping into the stupid thing which you've already killed. 

To beat this game, you have to know exactly what you're doing at all times. No hesitations, no second guesses. You have to be 100% confident and make no mistakes. In a way, that adds to the mystique of the experience. Everyone has heard that training to become an actual Ninja is one of the hardest things any human can do - so why not make a game about a Ninja extremely demanding on the players reflexes and responses? 

When you do master everything and blow through a level like nobody's business, there isn't quite a better feeling. The word accomplishment doesn't even begin to capture the feeling of beating this game and mastering its devilish levels. It was hard as hell, and I loved every second of it. 

PRESENTATION

 Comin to getchu, son.

The actual in-game graphics aren't anything to write home about. Merit must be awarded for the game running smoothly for the entire length, with little frame rate dips or disappearing sprites. But overall, it's not anything that you hadn't seen before on the NES. 

 But the story cutscenes are where it was at. Back in the NES days, graphics were king. If you bought a game with sweet-ass pixels, all your friends were totally jealous. And any friend who saw Ninja Gaiden's beautifully detailed and film-noire inspired cutscenes in your console would surely be eating a piece of the old humble pie.

STUFF I LOVED: 

• Insane story-based cutscenes. Revolutionary for the time, and still impressive today. 
• Pitch perfect control. Ryu always moved exactly where you wanted him to. 
• Feeling of absolute accomplishment when you do everything right and beat it once and for all.    

STUFF I HATED:

• BRUTAL difficulty. While it did make you feel good for beating it, there were MANY spiked controllers on the way to the final screen. 
• Cheap deaths and respawning enemies. It's just not fair.

In the end, I am probably most proud to have this one on my "Finished" pile. It's a badge of honor I can wear with my nerd friends and to be able to finally tell them that I beat Ninja Gaiden.

Review in Ten Words or Less: 
Perfect gameplay. Brutal difficulty. Awesome story.

Finished: Ninja Gaiden!!

I did it!!!

Completion Time: 12:27
Friends I'm About to Tell Off: All of them

Holy crap. I can not believe I beat this thing. What an amazing feeling. I seriously feel like I may be the only person in the world who's beaten it. You out there reading this. Have YOU beaten Ninja Gaiden? Tell me off in the comments if you have.

But you probably haven't so BOOM!

I seriously feel like having a party and calling my parents - it's like I'm having a baby. That's how excited I am about this.

Review coming shortly.