Monday, December 31, 2012

Up Next: Secret of Mana


This is one of those games that you can't get away from. Message boards, retro game shops, nerds everywhere talk about how great this game is. I never had it as a kid so when it came out on the Virtual Console I had to have it, but I could never get into it. I restarted the adventure three or four times but never got hooked.

But last night I put in a good 2 hours, and I finally get it. This game is amazing. The writing, the graphics, the music - it's all vintage Squaresoft. In many ways Secret of Mana feels like the prototype for Chrono Trigger in terms of its scope and production value.

I'm excited for this one. Let's do it!

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Review: Cruis'n


Welcome to your Cruis'n Drivers Manual. In the following document you will learn the rules of the road and how to safely navigate the difficult courses within the Cruis'n world through a series of multiple choice questions. The answers and explanations will be provided.

When finished, please forward your scores to Midway Entertainment.

1) Before each race, you are given the opportunity to upgrade your vehicle. Which of the following is a choice, but does not increase your vehicles performance AT ALL?

A) Spoiler
B) Neon Lights
C) Decals
D) Engine

Answer: C. You are given the choice to put a set of predetermined, hideous decals on your car rather than upgrading something like your acceleration or top speed. They don't change the performance of your car. Not a bit. 

2) You should expect to see cars which aren't involved in the race in the following location(s): 

A) On the subway tracks
B) On a boardwalk
C) Speeding through Central Park
D) All of the above

Answer: D. I know we're all a bunch of badass hooligans who will "drive on any terrain man!" but I really didn't expect to see other pedestrian, run of the mill, gettin' ma groceries drivers - driving through the effing subway tunnel!  


3) When you crash into a wall, you should...

A) Check for injuries and property damage, then call your insurance company
B) Back out of the accident and keep on goin! You got a race to win!
C) Floor it right at the wall you just crashed into. Your car will automatically correct itself and put you back on the track.

Answer: C. I'm not even kidding.

4) If you are a second away from a head-on collision, you should...

A) Swerve out of the way for God's sake! People could get killed!
B) Ram the other car. Your car will likely sustain no damage while the other car will be sent comically spiraling through the air.
C) Double tap your gas pedal to send your car into a wheelie. Then when you come into contact with the opposing vehicle, you will perform a "Car Vault". (A car vault is when your car is sent hundreds of feet into the air while backflipping several times)
D) Both B and C.

Answer: D. Although option B sometimes backfires and you're the one sent comically flying backwards, you can really drive with reckless abandon without any penalty. Speaking of...

Time for a backflip!
 5) Which of the following objects will most slow down your car's momentum or cause the most damage to your car? 

A) A solid cement wall
B) A lamp post
C) Hundreds of trees
D) The entire George Washington Bridge

Answer: Trick question. None of these items will slow your progress at all. You will fly through them as if your car was driving through tiny strips of paper, or leaves falling from trees. The game literally provides no incentive for driving well. Then on the China Town X level, I can't win. So I assume I need to actually TRY. I played that level over and over, mastered every turn, held first place the entire race only to come in 4th right at the end.

This concludes your Cruis'n Drivers Manual. Thank you for your participation, and we'll see you on the road!

---

I know. I know it's an arcade racer and reality and physics really don't apply. It's just so ridiculous at points that I can't take it seriously. The most egregious thing is the fact that you can drive like a complete asshole and still finish in 2nd or 3rd place. It's a shame because the game is actually far from unplayable - the controls are great and pretty fun to use. 

This is best played with a bunch of dudes watching. Preferably with a round or two of beers in the room. It is laugh out loud hilarity. You can probably find people giving this game away for pennies. Seek it out, grab your dudes and have a laugh. Then throw it into the river at midnight and never speak of it again. 

GRADE: D-

Saturday, December 29, 2012

NO! No! No No No: Cruis'n


The second to last level is called "China Town X" - I suppose the X stands fo eXtreme. It is impossible to beat. I have played it over and over probably fifty times. Memorized every single twist and turn in the race. Been in first place in the final 100 feet, only to have three cars overtake me right at the finish line - WHICH IS AN EFFING CLIFF BY THE WAY - to put me in fourth place. I only need a third place finish to move on. But this game refuses to let me continue.

This is the only image of China Town X on the ENTIRE INTERNET! I feel like I'm playing the video game equivalent of the Lock Ness Monster.
Jon Boldiga is the man behind this. The lead developer on Cruis'n. I have reached out to him on LinkedIn. He has some other quality games to his credit, funny how this game isn't listed on his bio...

I will find out why this game is such an astronomical failure straight from the horse's mouth! I will ask him directly if it is actually possible to beat China Town X. I will ask him how he justifies a car doing a backflip. I will know!

In the meantime, I'll review Cruis'n. Full review coming shortly.


Friday, December 28, 2012

Up Next: Cruis'n



This game is the equivalent of the worst movie you've ever seen - it's so bad that it's actually enjoyable. Why is it so bad? Crappy frame rate, boring tracks, the ability to drive through cement walls like they were paper. You know.

Oh - and there's a track called "Race Wars"

Not even kidding. Fast forward to 3:50 to see for yourself.




I only have two races left to beat, but with the way this game cheats - oh yeah, I forgot that it cheats - it could take a while.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Review: Enslaved Odyssey to the West



This game shows up from time to time on those "Top 10 Overlooked Games" lists, and yet I can't find a single person among my friends whose heard of Enslaved. "Idiots!" I yell. "Voice acting! Facial animations!" I argue. Then I realize that just yelling features doesn't really sell people on a game. Let me try to lay my thoughts out a little more intelligently.

..Story..


Raise your hand if you've played a game set in a post-apocalyptic world. Your hand is probably raised. Just for fun, keep it raised for the rest of the review. Now, raise your other hand if you have played a game set in a post-post-apocalyptic world. Ah HA! Not so fast, eh? This isn't the typical war-torn, brown and grey backdrop from typical Post-Apocalyptica - nature has reclaimed most of the landscape - making for beautiful vistas against the backdrop of destroyed cities.

Enslaved takes place 150 years after the human race has been nearly annihilated in a great war between mankind and robots. A few brave people survive and still roam the countryside eeking out a meager existence. But between the remaining bloodthirsty robots (called Mechs) and a mysterious group of people called "Slavers", humans are fading quickly from the Earth.

New York, son.
You play as a guy named "Monkey" - a trader who's been captured by a slave ship. He also has an inexplicably thick Brooklyn accent. You and a girl named Trip escape the ship and wake up in the wreckage of New York City. While you're knocked out, Trip puts a "slave headband" on Monkey which forces him to obey her, but she only wants his help getting back to her home. The headstrong Monkey isn't too pumped about being a slave, but this sets up the interesting dynamic between the two characters.

The story continues from there, and is delivered incredibly effectively. Cutscenes are used sparingly and most of the dialogue happens real-time within the game. You actually don't learn the names of the characters until about an hour in to the experience - and it happens just while you're exploring the landscape. It's little touches like that that make the story all the more believable. The script is is so conversationally written and the voice acting so perfectly performed and the facial animations are so subtle and convincing that the characters become real people that you care for a great deal. 

Monkey and Trip go through four major acts together culminating in a fantastic, but conflicted and ambiguous ending. The finale makes for interesting discussion as it has a ton of moral questions and thought provoking issues. A little more closure would have been great, but I like what they did with it. Not a cop-out ending by any stretch.

..Gameplay..

Beating the balls outta robots has never been more fun.
What if you were told the following sentence: "The only thing you'll fight in this game are robots." You'd be kinda bummed out right? I mean robots can't be vindictive. You can't feel like you're taking revenge on a robot. There's no emotional investment or resonance in dismantling machines. And yet the feeling of empowerment you get when ripping these things apart is a testosterone laden monster truck steak beer football game of a man boner.

Given that your main weapon is a staff, the majority of the combat takes place in close quarters, and it becomes so visceral. The feedback you get visually and physically really sells the weight of the combat and makes it a very real thing for the player. It plays out similarly to the Arkham games where you're usually surrounded by foes and have to prioritize attacks based on the biggest threat at the moment. You'll also have to think strategically as some Mechs are triggered to explode while others have a countdown timer which summons more Mechs at 0 seconds. So while the button combinations are incredibly simplistic and the combat rarely poses a challenge, it never becomes a chore, but rather something I looked forward to.

FU*K YEAH!
The other side of the gameplay coin is the climbing and exploration sections. You might remember these elements from such games as Uncharted and Uncharted 2 and also Uncharted 3. And while it certainly feels like a copy/paste job from the well known series, it doesn't feel like a cheap knock off. Nothing's worse than a game trying to emulate a better game and failing. This feels just as fluid and natural as Drake's games and it also makes sense within the Enslaved universe. You're running around in the wreckage of former cities - of course you'll need to climb things to get around. Again, this element poses nearly no challenge as you're essentially led by the nose to your next objective. But its a fun way to traverse the landscape and see the sights of the ruined cities.

..Presentation..


Enslaved's presentation should be considered a blueprint for every game of this genre. Everything is perfect. The voice acting is among the best I've ever heard with the actors delivering subtle performances that do everything they can to convince the player that these are real people. They're beautiful, selfish, honest, pigheaded, deceitful, kind and bullish - flawed. Human. They've achieved even more than Uncharted in this area. Nathan Drake's devil may care attitude and hair style is fun, but unrealistic. Enslaved manages to create realistic, human characters without falling into the macho guy/girly girl archetypes.

The music is rapturous with peaks and valleys at all the right moments. Lighting and animation are all at the top of their game. And why does this all work so well? Because they realized that game designers are not film directors. They hired a professional script writer, professional actors and composers to make this cinematic experience that programmers have been trying to do for 15 years now.


Strip away the excellent story, top notch presentation and emotional investment in the characters and you have a pretty standard brawler. But all those things on top of a pretty standard brawler make for a game that shouldn't be missed by anyone who feels like games can transcend the Call of Duty nonsense and become a respected art form.

You can put your hand down now.

GRADE: A


Sunday, December 16, 2012

Finished: Enslaved


Completion Time: About 7 hours
Completion Percentage: About 60%

This game is amazing. So far no one I've spoken to about Enslaved has ever even heard of it - much less played it. The gameplay is a little simplistic, and there are technical issues here and there, but the script writing, voice acting and storytelling are all top tier. Playing this game should be required homework for every AAA developer who wants voice acting in their game. I had an emotional investment in these characters and their relationship more than any other game I've played. Absolutely loved it.

Review coming shortly.