Up Next: God of War III

Oh yes. I felt I deserved a treat after the punishment I endured from playing Donkey Kong Country - and I can think of nothing more enjoyable to play than a God of War game.

My first job after graduating college was a sales clerk at EB Games. Not the best or most glamorous post-grad position, but it was a sweet gig. At the time, I had put a self-imposed boycott on PS2 games for myself. I was a Gamecube fanboy and for some ridiculous reason, I felt that PS2 games were stupid.

Then one day a Sony rep came into the store flaunting God of War - singing its praises, talking about how it was revitalize the PS2. I was like "yeah right - I'm playing Smash Bros - don't bother me." Then she gave us a store demo copy to play. My boycott instantly disintegrated. This was the most incredible game I had ever played. It was so vicious, the graphics were pushing the PS2 as far as it could go, the music was as epic as it could be, the controls were rock solid, the sense of scale was unmatched. I was obsessed.

Any guy who came into the store who was like "Uh...I'm sick of Madden, what should I play next?" My response would always be God of War. I used to say, "You'll feel so freaking manly while playing this game." I sold a lot of copies of this game.

My store manage was a total weirdo though. He was this older guy in his late 50s - knew nothing about video games, was cold to customers, refused to play music in the store (which made it really awkward), but he was obsessed with doing a good job and getting good numbers. The only thing he knew about games was what was on the back of the boxes and whatever promo materials we got at the store. So one time we were working together and a guy came up to the counter and asked us "What's God of War like?"

I was getting ready to answer excitedly, as I did every time someone asked that question, when my manager gave me the "I got this" look. I deferred to him and here's what he said:

You are Kratos. You must defeat the God of War. 

That was it. And guess where that's from? The back of the box. He read it verbatim. There was a few seconds of silence and the customer just kind of slowly backed out of the store.

Anyway - I love these games. At the conclusion of the second game I was literally jumping and shouting because of how freaking incredible the ending was. I'm so pumped to see this trilogy through to its conclusion.

God of War III for PS3 - let's do it!

Review: Donkey Kong Country

I hate this game more than terrorists. Like if I was in a room with a gun loaded with a single bullet, Osama Bin Laden and the computer that held the code for this game...well, I would probably shoot Bin Laden, but I would have to think about it for a minute.

Gameplay
DKC came out in 1994. The platforming genre was at it's pinnacle of popularity. The developer, Rare, literally had hundreds of games from which to draw inspiration. But what came out was no more exciting than a Bubsy or Aero the Acrobat ripoff - one of those games you rented from Blockbuster on a boring summer afternoon out of desperation for something to do. If you took out the Donkey Kong treatment and slapped on a generic cat character, this game would have never been as popular and I think the flaws would have shown through much earlier.

So here's how the game works. You control two apes named DK and Diddy - you control one and the other follows you - similar to Sonic 2, but the secondary character is of no use at all. If you take a hit from a baddie however, your character runs off the screen and you take over for the other character. If you get hit when you don't have your partner, you lose a life. If you are solo, you can find your partner trapped in a "DK" barrel scattered throughout the environment. Really all the other character is is an additional hit point. This doesn't sound so bad, but its when I kept dying over and over that's when my gears began to really grind.

The worst level ever created

For attacks - you can roll, jump or throw a barrel, and certain enemies can only be killed by one specific method. Again, this is a solid design choice - but the problem is twofold: hit detection and hidden enemies.

For example, there is an enemy that looks like a baby crocodile. You cannot roll into him because of his sharp teeth. So jumping is the best way to kill him. Simple, right? I can't tell you how many times I jumped on one of these things and died. because I landed on their teeth. Which are sideways. That would be like me slapping you on the top of your head and accidentally getting bitten. What's that? That doesn't make sense? EXACTLY! PHYSICS AND BASIC LOGIC DON'T APPLY IN THIS GAME!

THESE freaking things...

The other issue is the hidden enemies. And I don't mean that they're cleverly disguised baddies hiding out. I mean the screen conceals your enemies until the very last second when you've already committed to a run or jump. This was another source of constant deaths and subsequent rage fests on my part. Especially when you're swinging on a rope or launching from a barrel - you're going faster than usual. And many times, you have a large gap of complicated ropes or barrels or BOTH to navigate. And then when you finally get through the maze, there's a mother effing baby croc on your landing spot and you have to START OVER!!! OH I'm already getting mad just thinking about it!

-   -   -

As far as level design goes, you have your expected jungle levels, ice levels, underwater levels and so on. But many of the levels are so bland and shallow in their design that players may lose interest mid-level. Run to the right, jump on enemies avoid pits, done. Obviously it isn't that easy or I wouldn't be so angry about this game. Certain levels are almost completely aerial - meaning there's no ground to speak of and you have to launch from barrel to barrel to barrel without screwing up once. On paper, this is a good idea that mixes up the play style, but in execution it's only an exercise in frustration. However, that's not to say I hated every level in the game.

There were a few levels which I actually enjoyed. There is one where there are enemies that can't be killed, and I guess they're robots because they keep turning themselves on and you have to trip a barrel to turn them off. That one was pretty fun. The other one I liked was later in the game where the lights would click on and off every 2 seconds. So you had to quickly assess your surroundings and then take a leap of faith. This was difficult in a good way - it challenged your perceptions and your platforming sensibilities - like you know how high you'll bounce after hitting an enemy or you know how long it will take for that rope to swing back across. That one was pretty cool too.

But other than that I hated every second of it.

Thank God.

Presentation
Everyone knows that the graphics were awesome back when the game came out, and now they suck. I'm not gonna get into that anymore. They served the game well, I was able to make out everything, the landscapes were colorful and aesthetically interesting, they haven't aged well - and that's no fault of the developer.

The decent music

 The music in the game is actually very good. As much as I hate to admit it, I would find myself whistling some of the songs in the past week or so that I've been playing this accursed beast. And aside from the final boss's completely mis-matched cheerful theme, most of the songs fit the mood of the environment perfectly. The "voice" samples of DK and Diddy were well done too. One thing I really liked was how if you stood still, DK would freak out and beat his chest, screaming like monkeys do. It was a reminder that apes are badass creatures - because you certainly didn't get that sense when he was doing his stupid mother effing tata dance after beating each level, or falling on his butt and looking at you scratching his head. Shut up, idiot.

Stuff I loved: 

• Nothing.   

Stuff I hated: 

• Everything. 

-  -  -

My hatred for this game has been well documented. I will likely never play this game again and will continue to besmirch it's legacy to anyone who is foolish enough to think they like it. In the end though, it's not without its charm. The characters have a certain life to them and the graphical tech was revolutionary - even if it looks like turds today. 

Review in Ten Words or Less:

Shove it, Rare. Seriously. Eat my crap. 

Finished: Donkey Kong Country

I did it...

Official Hour Count: 2:10
Actual Playtime: About 6 hours

I am so happy to be done with this piece of crap. I have so many more terrible things I want to say about it, but I'll wait for the review to really shove this thing up it's own butt hole. Ugh. Just looking at that stupid box art now makes me sick to my stomach.

Go choke on your stupid bananas.

Almost There...Donkey Kong Country

LOOK AT THAT FREAKING BEAVER! LOOK HOW STUPID HE IS!

 So I finally made it past the stupid Snow Barrel Blast level, once again being aided by a youtube clip showing the location of the secret barrel off screen. In two nights I have made it all the way to the last level before the final boss. I blew through most of the levels on my first try, but that doesn't mean I'm starting to hate the game any less. It is still the complete bane of my existence, I'm just excited to finally get this thing out of my life. I honestly wish I had a hard copy of this game, because as soon as I beat it I would love to take an axe to it. I need to punish it the way it punished me.

And clicking "Delete" on my Wii doesn't have the same visceral punch.

Does anyone have a copy of the cart I can destroy? I mean "borrow". 

UGHHH!!!!!

I am so done with this game. If you remember my last post, I had trouble with a level called Snow Barrel Blast, which is the first level in the fourth world. I had beat it by chance: I found a secret barrel that shot me all the way to the end. I moved onto the next level, lost all my lives, had to start back at the previous save point which is BEFORE the previous boss. Now I can't find that stupid secret barrel again!! 

I. HATE. THIS. GAME. SO! MUCH. 

I want to cut it up with a hacksaw and send its pieces to its mother. I want to tie it up in a sack and drown it on a webcam and force its family to watch. I want to starve it almost to death, then give it a Thanksgiving dinner and then shoot it in the back of the head. 

One more attempt tonight. If I can't do it, $8 is going to charity and I'm deleting this game from my Wii.

Still Playing...Donkey Kong Country

Ughhhhhhh!!! I can't stand this freaking game. It's so boring and annoyingly difficult that I find myself more frustrated playing this than anything I've played so far - even Halo. I've reached the level of "controller spiking fury" a good five or six times and each time I find myself saying "That's so STUPID!" The frustration isn't coming from my inability to beat a level, it's coming from lazy level design.

The worst thing about this whole game is how easily you can die in bottomless pits. For example - I just finished a level called Barrel Blast where you have to propel yourself from barrel to barrel - launching as if from a cannon. The issue is that these barrels are spinning and if you're a centimeter off your desired angle, you will send DK and Diddy to their untimely - and unbelievably infuriating - deaths. Eventually, I beat the level by accident:

I had launched my characters straight down from a particular barrel. Just as the profanity was building up behind my teeth, and just as my hand was raised in the air to spike the controller into the wall, I saw DK and Diddy fall into a hidden barrel at the bottom of the screen. This "cleverly disguised secret" propelled me all the way to the exit, and gave me 50 bananas during the ride. I bet the developers thought "Yeah, people will be really excited when they find this" - I wasn't. I didn't think it was clever or have any sense of discovery for finding that thing - the only way anyone would ever find it is by accident! All I said was "thank God I'm done with this level..."

I will admit, there have been two or three levels that weren't bad, and the game seems to get progressively better as I go forward, but only by very little. As of now, this is the worst and most despised game in my collection.

Eat my crap Donkey Kong Country.

Up Next: Donkey Kong Country

Thanks to everyone who responded for what I should play next. Please don't take the fact that I'm playing something no one recommended as an insult to your ideas. Every suggestion was great, but I need to play a few shorter games to keep my motivation going, and I know DKC can be completed in about 6 hours.

Let me say right off the bat: I hate this game. I know it's got a lot die hard fans, but I just don't see it. I mean when this thing came out back in 1994 it was the coolest thing in the world. This and Starfox made me totally regret my decision to write "Sega Genesis" on my list to Santa. But I never got to play it back when it wowed the world with it's 3D graphics, so I don't have any nostalgia factor when playing this game, which means it needs to stand on it's own merits.

And it has very few.


Aside from the fact that the graphics have aged almost as badly as those from Final Fantasy 7, the gameplay is a snorefest. It's generic buttstomping, run-to-the-right fare; there is no imagination or creativity in the level design. You know what it feels like? A flash game. Like one of those stupid corporate flash games that's barely playable and that's only in place to sell some dumb product - in this case, the product they're selling their graphics engine.

There is often a debate over graphics or gameplay. A game can certainly sell a couple million copies just based on graphics, though I think even the casual gamers are starting to demand a certain level of competence in level design. Back in 1994 though, nothing like this had EVER been seen before, so the graphics could literally carry this game, and according to game design rockstar, Shigeru Miyamoto (creator of Mario and Zelda) the graphics were the only thing going for it:

“Donkey Kong Country proves that players will put up with mediocre gameplay as long as the art is good.”

And now, I have mediocre gameplay and ugly art, so there's really no joy that comes out of playing this at all.

Well, I guess there is one good thing... It should only take six hours to get it out of my life forever.