Review: Donkey Kong Country

I hate this game more than terrorists. Like if I was in a room with a gun loaded with a single bullet, Osama Bin Laden and the computer that held the code for this game...well, I would probably shoot Bin Laden, but I would have to think about it for a minute.

Gameplay
DKC came out in 1994. The platforming genre was at it's pinnacle of popularity. The developer, Rare, literally had hundreds of games from which to draw inspiration. But what came out was no more exciting than a Bubsy or Aero the Acrobat ripoff - one of those games you rented from Blockbuster on a boring summer afternoon out of desperation for something to do. If you took out the Donkey Kong treatment and slapped on a generic cat character, this game would have never been as popular and I think the flaws would have shown through much earlier.

So here's how the game works. You control two apes named DK and Diddy - you control one and the other follows you - similar to Sonic 2, but the secondary character is of no use at all. If you take a hit from a baddie however, your character runs off the screen and you take over for the other character. If you get hit when you don't have your partner, you lose a life. If you are solo, you can find your partner trapped in a "DK" barrel scattered throughout the environment. Really all the other character is is an additional hit point. This doesn't sound so bad, but its when I kept dying over and over that's when my gears began to really grind.

The worst level ever created

For attacks - you can roll, jump or throw a barrel, and certain enemies can only be killed by one specific method. Again, this is a solid design choice - but the problem is twofold: hit detection and hidden enemies.

For example, there is an enemy that looks like a baby crocodile. You cannot roll into him because of his sharp teeth. So jumping is the best way to kill him. Simple, right? I can't tell you how many times I jumped on one of these things and died. because I landed on their teeth. Which are sideways. That would be like me slapping you on the top of your head and accidentally getting bitten. What's that? That doesn't make sense? EXACTLY! PHYSICS AND BASIC LOGIC DON'T APPLY IN THIS GAME!

THESE freaking things...

The other issue is the hidden enemies. And I don't mean that they're cleverly disguised baddies hiding out. I mean the screen conceals your enemies until the very last second when you've already committed to a run or jump. This was another source of constant deaths and subsequent rage fests on my part. Especially when you're swinging on a rope or launching from a barrel - you're going faster than usual. And many times, you have a large gap of complicated ropes or barrels or BOTH to navigate. And then when you finally get through the maze, there's a mother effing baby croc on your landing spot and you have to START OVER!!! OH I'm already getting mad just thinking about it!

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As far as level design goes, you have your expected jungle levels, ice levels, underwater levels and so on. But many of the levels are so bland and shallow in their design that players may lose interest mid-level. Run to the right, jump on enemies avoid pits, done. Obviously it isn't that easy or I wouldn't be so angry about this game. Certain levels are almost completely aerial - meaning there's no ground to speak of and you have to launch from barrel to barrel to barrel without screwing up once. On paper, this is a good idea that mixes up the play style, but in execution it's only an exercise in frustration. However, that's not to say I hated every level in the game.

There were a few levels which I actually enjoyed. There is one where there are enemies that can't be killed, and I guess they're robots because they keep turning themselves on and you have to trip a barrel to turn them off. That one was pretty fun. The other one I liked was later in the game where the lights would click on and off every 2 seconds. So you had to quickly assess your surroundings and then take a leap of faith. This was difficult in a good way - it challenged your perceptions and your platforming sensibilities - like you know how high you'll bounce after hitting an enemy or you know how long it will take for that rope to swing back across. That one was pretty cool too.

But other than that I hated every second of it.

Thank God.

Presentation
Everyone knows that the graphics were awesome back when the game came out, and now they suck. I'm not gonna get into that anymore. They served the game well, I was able to make out everything, the landscapes were colorful and aesthetically interesting, they haven't aged well - and that's no fault of the developer.

The decent music

 The music in the game is actually very good. As much as I hate to admit it, I would find myself whistling some of the songs in the past week or so that I've been playing this accursed beast. And aside from the final boss's completely mis-matched cheerful theme, most of the songs fit the mood of the environment perfectly. The "voice" samples of DK and Diddy were well done too. One thing I really liked was how if you stood still, DK would freak out and beat his chest, screaming like monkeys do. It was a reminder that apes are badass creatures - because you certainly didn't get that sense when he was doing his stupid mother effing tata dance after beating each level, or falling on his butt and looking at you scratching his head. Shut up, idiot.

Stuff I loved: 

• Nothing.   

Stuff I hated: 

• Everything. 

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My hatred for this game has been well documented. I will likely never play this game again and will continue to besmirch it's legacy to anyone who is foolish enough to think they like it. In the end though, it's not without its charm. The characters have a certain life to them and the graphical tech was revolutionary - even if it looks like turds today. 

Review in Ten Words or Less:

Shove it, Rare. Seriously. Eat my crap.